Self-love. What does that even mean? To be honest, I have no idea and I'm not about to tell you either. I'm not going to be writing some mumbo jumbo on "5 Easy Ways to Achieve Self-Love" or this life-altering journey I experienced that made me fall head over heels in love with myself. Instead, I'm just writing to tell you what's been going on with me and how I've been dealing with this term: SELF-LOVE.
In all honesty, I thought self-love was for selfish and lazy people. I thought it was an excuse. I thought it was a way for people to be a mess. But boy, I was SO wrong. It isn't about what you read on those Buzzfeed and Refinery29 articles. It isn't about how to accept the way you look. It's about one, extremely important thing- a relationship. That relationship is with yourself. (Shocker, right?) Although taking that night in to pamper yourself or cleaning out that cluttered closet may help, it seems as if these things are temporary fixes to a deeper rooted problem. A problem with that relationship with yourself.
I know, I know. It seems so trivial... like of course I love myself. I'm happy. I have friends and family. I have fun times. I laugh. My life is good. But just because you have all these things, it doesn't necessarily mean the relationship with yourself is going as well as everything else in your life is.
For the past few months, I've been dealing a lot with this myself. Although everything around me was going amazing, I had this deep rooted anger and unhappiness with myself. And because of this, it started to cause me problems in other aspects of my life. I started to search for happiness and love in other people rather than within myself. I began to question my value. I became dependent. I was overly emotional and overly sensitive. I put everyone else's happiness above my own. I was so afraid of being myself. I began losing who I was. I was the opposite of everything I wanted to be and who I knew I really was. I felt as if my world was crumbling, and I had no one to turn to because I knew my life was going great, so how could I/ why should I be feeling this way? It felt as if I had no reason to complain, so I shouldn't. I felt like I was going crazy. It was this constant battle in my head, and I couldn't understand why.
With all this going on, it ruined so much for me. I was left feeling defeated, disappointed, and broken.
Not until I realized this was I able to pull myself together and fix what was going on. I needed to put myself and my happiness first. I knew that no one was going to help me or make me love myself again. I knew that if I wanted to change, I had to do it for myself and by myself. I knew who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I needed to do to get there. And I hate to break it to you, but it wasn't pampering myself with a spa or shopping day, cleaning out my closet or even going to the gym. It was taking an emotional and mental inventory on what I needed and what I really wanted. I needed to remember my worth and what it felt like to be emotionally strong again. I needed to be fearless. I wanted to look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. I wanted to be happy with myself again. I wanted to be who I knew I was the whole time, the real me. And honestly, once I figured that out, I was. I was everything I wanted. I was happy. I am happy.
I'm proud to say that I'm truly happy. I have my good days and bad days like everyone else, but I'm okay with that, because I know I can make it through. Overall, I'm proud to stand on my own again. I can actually say I love myself and I guess you can say I have that overly exhausted used term: self-love.
I know that this was long and could've been extremely boring to some of you, but if you made it to the end. You're a champ and in all honesty, I hope it helped or it was at least a little bit encouraging.
Till next time!
P.S. If you are ever feeling down, this song is my absolute favorite.